On Grief and Grieving

Loss is a universal experience. Grieving takes many forms.

Many people truly want to help a friend or family member who is experiencing a severe loss. Words often fail us at times like these, leaving us stammering for the right thing to say. Some people are so afraid to say or do the wrong thing, they choose to do nothing at all. Doing nothing at all is certainly an option, but it’s not often a good one. While there is no one perfect way to respond or to support someone you care about, here are some good ground rules.

Grief belongs to the griever.
Grief is personal. You have a supporting role, not the central role, in your friend’s grief. This may seem like a strange thing to say. So many of the suggestions, advice and “help” given to the griever tells them they should be doing this differently, or feeling differently than they do. Grief is a very personal experience and belongs entirely to the person experiencing it. You may believe you would do things differently if it had happened to you. We hope you do not get the chance to find out. This grief belongs to your friend: follow their lead.

There is no timeline. And grief is not linear.
Everybody has their own time frame for grief. There are no rules and there is no need for them. Some people describe waves of pain. Some people don’t think about it until there is a reminder. Often, there are anniversary reactions on important dates that elicit memories. As a therapist, I have found that many people have a deep fear of forgetting. When they want to speak about their loss or their relationship with a loved one, give them the space to do so.

There is culture and there is personal culture.
From wanting to be quietly alone, to craving the presence of loved ones. Wanting to talk. And not. Crying or not. Wanting to talk about spirituality and loss is also personal. There is no formula.

Stay present and state the truth.
It’s tempting to make statements about the past or the future when your friend’s present life holds so much pain. You cannot know what the future will be, for yourself or your friend — it may or may not be better “later.” That your friend’s life was good in the past is not a fair trade for the pain of now. Stay present with your friend, even when the present is full of pain.

It’s also tempting to make generalized statements about the situation in an attempt to soothe your friend. You cannot know that your friend’s loved one “finished their work here,” or that they are in a “better place.” These future-based, omniscient, generalized platitudes aren’t helpful. Stick with the truth: this hurts. I love you. I’m here.

Do not try to fix the unfixable.
Your friend’s loss cannot be fixed or repaired or solved. The pain itself cannot be made better. Do not say anything that tries to fix the unfixable, and you will do just fine. It's an unfathomable relief to have a friend who does not try to take the pain away.

Be willing to witness searing, unbearable pain. 
To do so, while also practicing the above is very, very hard.

This is not about you.
Being with someone in pain is not easy. You will have things come up — stresses, questions, anger, fear, guilt. Your feelings will likely be hurt. You may feel ignored and unappreciated. Your friend cannot show up for their part of the relationship very well. Please don’t take it personally, and please don’t take it out on them. Please find your own people to lean on at this time — it’s important that you be supported while you support your friend. When in doubt, refer to #1.

Do not impose your personal spirituality or religious beliefs on another.
I believe in prayer and spirituality. My beliefs are highly personal. Telling somebody that you will be reunited in a better place and how a loved one is in a better place may not be helpful. Let them guide you.

Anticipate, don’t ask.
Do not say “Call me if you need anything,” because your friend will not call. Not because they do not need, but because identifying a need, figuring out who might fill that need, and then making a phone call to ask is light years beyond their energy levels, capacity, or interest. Instead, make concrete offers: “I will be there at 4 p.m. on Thursday to bring your recycling to the curb,” or “I will stop by each morning on my way to work and give the dog a quick walk.” Be reliable.

Do recurring things.
The actual, heavy, real work of grieving is not something you can do (see #1), but you can lessen the burden of “normal” life requirements for your friend. Are there recurring tasks or chores that you might do? Things, like walking the dog, refilling prescriptions, shoveling snow, and bringing in the mail, are all good choices. Support your friend in small, ordinary ways — these things are tangible evidence of love.

Please try not to do anything that is irreversible — like doing laundry or cleaning up the house — unless you check with your friend first. That empty soda bottle beside the couch may look like trash but may have been left there by their husband just the other day. The dirty laundry may be the last thing that smells like her. I have a strand of hair from a loved one from years ago, carefully wrapped. Do you see where I’m going here? Tiny little things become precious. Ask first.

Tackle projects together.
Depending on the circumstance, there may be difficult tasks that need tending — things like casket shopping, mortuary visits, the packing and sorting of rooms or houses. Offer your assistance and follow through with your offers. Follow your friend’s lead in these tasks. Your presence alongside them is powerful and important; words are often unnecessary. Remember to bear witness and be present.

Run interference.
To the new griever, the influx of people who want to show their support can be seriously overwhelming. What is an intensely personal and private time can begin to feel like living in a fishbowl. There might be ways you can shield and shelter your friend by setting yourself up as the designated point person — the one who relays information to the outside world or organizes well-wishers. Gatekeepers are really helpful.

Respect privacy and boundaries.
In the event of loss, and faced with our own mortality, one of the first questions we ask is: what happened? We have a need to search for and find meaning. Again, this is not about us. What someone chooses to tell us, or others is up to them.

Educate and advocate.
You may find that other friends, family members, and casual acquaintances ask for information about your friend. You can, in this capacity, be a great educator, albeit subtly. You can normalize grief with responses like, “She has better moments and worse moments and will for quite some time. An intense loss changes every detail of your life.” If someone asks you about your friend a little further down the road, you might say things like, “Grief never really stops. It is something you carry with you in different ways.”

Love.
Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.

Sources and resources:
https://www.refugeingrief.com/blog/
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org