“My friend doesn't take care of her mother. Is this elder abuse?”

Thank you for bringing up such a sensitive, and important concern.

Alzheimer’s profoundly affects not only the diagnosed, but the entire family system, and it’s quite natural to feel distressed when witnessing what seems to be neglect or a lack of appropriate care; however, before assigning a label like elder abuse, it’s essential to take a compassionate and nuanced view of the situation.

Elder abuse, by definition, involves the mistreatment or neglect of an older person, often by someone in a position of trust. Yet, what may sometimes appear as neglect can stem from overwhelming stress, burnout or feelings of helplessness caregivers often experience when caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s. Caregiving is deeply emotionally and physically draining and it's not uncommon for family dynamics to shift in ways that might seem imbalanced or unhealthy.

Your friend’s apparent detachment or lack of involvement may be a sign she's struggling to cope with the severity of her mother's illness. This type of emotional withdrawal can sometimes be a defense mechanism, a way to protect oneself from feelings of grief or loss, especially when seeing a loved one decline--a form of anticipatory grief.

That said, if the situation results in the mother’s needs going unmet—such as a lack of nourishment, hydration, medical care, hygiene or safety—it may indeed constitute neglect. Elder abuse is not always intentional, but that doesn't make it any less detrimental or the consequences less devastating.

Perhaps it may be worth bringing up your concerns with your friend through an open, honest and compassionate conversation, acknowledging the challenges of caregiving while gently expressing your concerns about her mother's care. You may also want to suggest exploring additional support, such as professional caregivers or respite care to ensure her mother’s needs are being met while alleviating some of the burden on the family.

If you continue to have concerns her mother’s health or safety is at risk, you may need to consider involving professionals, such as a social worker or elder care specialist, to assess the situation and provide guidance.

Thank you for your caring consideration.

Approaching the situation with empathy and understanding can carve out a space for a (hopefully) more supportive and compassionate resolution.

Your friend may be in denial of the type of care her mother needs. She may be experiencing depression. Most cities have Adult Protective Services or even Legal Assistance for Seniors. A call to them to ask about neglect and abuse.

Thank you for your question. Your question is more complex to answer. Technically, since mom is receiving care from the granddaughter, abuse is not really happening. Your friend's position is one of moral grounds, as one might argue that she should care for her mother. However, most state laws do not stipulate who should provide care; rather, they stipulate that vulnerable persons should receive care. Now, if the granddaughter is not providing adequate care, and no one is stepping in to help, then yes, it would be considered elder abuse under the neglect of a vulnerable person. I always recommend airing on the side of caution; if you think the individual is not getting the adequate care they need, you can always file a report with your state's adult protective services agency and let them investigate if the case meets the burden of investigation. However, based on what you have shared in your question, technically, abuse is not going on because the vulnerable person is getting care.

I hope this answers your question.

If your friend is living in the household with her mother then yes it would be elder abuse. If your friend daughter is not if age to be a caretaker for the grandmother that could also be a case of child endangerment as well as elder abuse.

Neglect can be a form of elder abuse, especially if basic life needs are not being met in a way that might jeopardize safety or health. Depending on where you live, the state's division on aging typically has caseworkers who can make a home visit to evaluate the situation.

Not necessarily!
It could be their own financials or life situations. This is when you seek external help! The local township, AARP etc

When you say “her daughter is doing most of the caretaking,” it implies that Someone is caring for your friend’s mother. That suggests that the mother’s granddaughter is caring for your friend’s mother. As long as someone Is PROPERLY caring for the elderly woman, I’m not seeing elder abuse. If your friend was living with her mother, and had assumed responsibility as her primary caretaker - and she was not properly caring for her mother, that could be a neglect issue (if no one else was caring for the mother).

It is not elder abuse to not want to take care of a family member. There is not enough information to determine what you mean by 'not doing anything', if she has an activated health care power of attorney and this daughter is the agent then yes she should be acting on behalf of the patient to address medical needs. However, we are all our own person and it is really not anyone's responsibility to care for someone else by law, now whether this is moral is another question. Anytime, you have concerns regarding an elder's safety the best course of action is to contact the non-emergency police number and request a welfare check. The police are used to doing these and it can be achieved much faster than a call to APS. However, contacting APS is also fine as they will just take your information and assess whether this is abuse or neglect and go from there.

Have you spoken to her and do you know the whole story? If not you may want to do so if she is a close friend. Otherwise, an appropriate next step
is to call Adult Protective Services or it's equivalent in your state. They will investigate the situation and determine if elder abuse is present.