Stewart Reed, MD

How do I control my life after divorce?

Get out of victim-thinking and into can-do thinking. We all fall into the trap of victim-thinking. Why me? I can’t believe s/he did this. What am I going to do? I’ve lost everything. I used to have/do/be…. Be compassionate with yourself when you hear these thoughts come up. Even as you work to evolve out of them, they come bearing helpful information. They can reveal your fears and the areas in which you need to grow. The “no victims, only volunteers” reminder isn’t meant to be cold or blaming. It is a reminder that, on a spiritual level, we lend our lives to the experiences and lessons that will inch us toward self-fulfillment. You are not responsible for your ex’s vices or actions. But you are responsible for your response to them. What will you take from this experience? How will you use the lessons, joys, and regrets of your marriage (and now divorce) to propel your life forward? You have the opportunity to become more than a cautionary tale. Your resilience can become the very inspiration that pulls another life out of victimhood into victory. Journal for a year. Trust me on this. Give it a year. Every day – before bed, when you wake up, whenever you have a feeling/insight/grumbling. Just write. Don’t read (yet), don’t edit, don’t judge. Just. write. If you need guidance and inspiration for the process, try Julia Cameron’s (The Artist’s Way) Morning Pages. You’ll be amazed by the clarity and direction that rise to the surface simply by developing this one habit. You won’t want to stop after a year. But that one year will be instrumental to rebuilding a life after divorce. Focus on your children’s lives and adaptation to your divorce. You may feel consumed by emptiness. Not having a partner in your life, sleeping alone, doubting your own dateability and lovability – it can all become self-imploding. And rebuilding a life after divorce – contrary to what can feel instinctual – doesn’t start with filling the spouse-void. It starts with grieving, healing, introspection, forgiveness, and adaptation. And, if you have children, it starts with helping them to adapt to this life change that they didn’t choose. They don’t need their parents clinging to them. And they certainly don’t need their parents using them as allies. But they do need to have good role models. If you’re co-parenting, they need to see that their parents, even in divorce, can be mature. Now, more than ever, your kids will be watching you for signs of assurance. They want to know they are physically, emotionally, and financially safe. And they are always watching for the modeling that will guide them in their own relationships one day. Instead of rushing into a dating life, focus on your kids. Make sure they’re doing well in school and have access to all the support and healthy activities they need. Give them time to adjust to a new routine without worrying that their parents are rushing to “replace” one another. And find enjoyment in the building of new rituals and traditions. That singular expression of creativity can be one of the most unifying things you and your children do. Give yourself permission and time to grieve. You will read this over and over as a guideline for rebuilding a life after divorce. And there’s a reason for that. Grief is a natural, inevitable process that can’t be disregarded or avoided. Shove it down, and it will come seeping out through your pores. Learn the stages of grief and welcome them as expected visitors. Allow each stage to tell its story, and become a good listener. Gift yourself with the support and friendship of a coach, counselor and/or support group to guide you through this unique emotional journey. Being realistic about grief will prevent you from rushing into relationships and choices for which your life isn’t ready. Grief, when embraced as an expression of love – for your lost marriage and dreams…and for yourself – is actually a gift. Trust that it is helping to prepare you for the promise of what lies ahead. But first it needs to clear some space. Think in terms of “change,” not “loss.” One of the biggest consequences of divorce is a financial shock. Women typically suffer more financially after divorce, and they don’t always recover. You definitely need to be prudent when going through divorce. Choosing your legal and financial team of experts wisely can have a lifelong impact. Assuming you have had good counsel and have achieved the most equitable settlement possible, it’s time to move forward. Your lifestyle may never be as lavish as it once was. You may have to live in a smaller home, forego certain luxuries, and become friends with a budget. But here’s where you have a life-defining choice. You can continually look back and compare “what is” to “what was,” seeing only through a filter of loss. Or you can stand up tall and say to everyone – including yourself, “It’s only change. And change will be as good as I allow it to be. I’m ready. I can handle this. What’s next?” No, you don’t (and shouldn’t) simply accept impoverishment or a lifetime of financial struggle as your new status-quo. You should educate yourself on investing and other financial matters that will affect your life going forward. But many people stay in miserable marriages precisely because they are afraid to live without the lifestyle and financial security they have accrued together. How sad is that? If all you see right now is change in the form of “no more misery,” you will be living in positivity…and possibility. Build your sacred circle of support. Divorce separates more than just spouses. It often forces friends and family to choose sides going forward. Yes, this can be painful and can make you wonder what else is going to disappear from your life. But please, please remember that you can’t reach out to receive a gift if your arms are weighed down with baggage. Trust that your Higher Self knows what your life needs…and what it no longer needs. Removing things (and people) from your life opens space for new things that will nourish your life going forward. Building your sacred circle isn’t only about “making friends.” It’s also about learning how to ask for help. You may not realize how important this is until you realize you don’t know how to do something essential. Or that you can’t navigate all the emotions without a coach, counselor or support group. Or that, no matter what a great parent you are, it really does take a village to raise a child. You will feel vulnerable, humble, even uneasy when you start asking for help. But, with practice, you will also begin to feel empowered and supported when you do. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of healthy self-awareness and humility. It also opens the door for people whose character and abilities you esteem to enter your life. How can you start practicing this assertiveness? Shift your thinking from “needing help” to “getting educated.” When you meet someone with expertise in a certain area, show genuine curiosity. Asking, “Would you mind educating me about what you do? It sounds fascinating!” will deliver an unexpected compliment to the other person and garner a new ally for you. Also, if you move to a new home, make it a point to meet all your neighbors. Drop off a new-neighbor “introduction pack” with a little bit of information about yourself. Offer to be of neighborly service to them, and watch how quickly your new neighbors rally around you. Remain open to the inflow of new friends and support. You have friends who have always been (and always will be) with you. And you have friends waiting to join your journey. Life is benevolent if you set your heart to see it that way. And nowhere is that more evident than in the village of love, support, and expertise it prepares for you. Get outside your own story to help build someone else’s. There is nothing like helping someone else’s life to help you with rebuilding a life after divorce for yourself. When you find yourself spiraling or staying stuck in your own woes and worries, it’s time to focus on someone else. It could be an effort close to home, like chairing a committee at your kids’ school. Or it could be a brand-new experience with people you’ve never met and skills you have yet to develop. The benefits of volunteering go beyond the obvious. While your heart is opening to someone else’s needs and your mind is on creative overflow, you’re reaping benefits, too. You get to become part of a new “family” that is connected by a common passion. And you get to learn and practice new skills without worrying about an annual review. Your community will get a big boost, and so will your resumé and confidence. Join a group. Yes, you might consider joining a group…or two…or a few. Join at least one group online – maybe something on your favorite social media platform that will give you constant access and connection. Avoid political or controversial groups. Instead, opt for one or two that focus on a favorite interest – pets, crafts, your college alma mater. You may even want to join an online support group for people going through divorce or dealing with grief. You may also want you to join a group in real life (IRL). Joining a group like this can motivate you to get out into the world again for the sole purpose of connecting with other people. Again, find something that interests you or simply intrigues you. Don’t know where to start? Check out Meetup. You’ll have a tough time limiting your choices because there’s a group for every conceivable interest. If you feel a little nervous and vulnerable going to your first group, yea! Consider that a sign that life is flowing back in! Exercise. If all you do is walk every morning or do yoga in front of your TV, you’re doing great! Grief, worry, exhaustion, and all the other negatives of post-divorce life can excuse a brief slip into sedentariness. Now, more than ever, you need all those invigorating endorphins that come only from exercise. Nothing else will give you the two-for-one deal of caring for your body and mind at the same time. For a little inspiration, consider this book by Barry Strauss. Rowing Against the Current chronicles the author’s late entry into rowing in response to a midlife crisis. Believe. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause. And yes, there is life after divorce. Not ready to raise your right hand on that belief? It’s OK to pretend until you are. Just keep telling yourself that life is going to get better. Sometimes faith happens one little belief at a time. Believe you can get that job. Believe you can go to a movie and laugh. Believe you can make it into that Destroyer of the Universe pose you’ve been challenged by for years. Believe you’re going to make it through this year (you can worry about the year-after later). And believe that you are right where you need to be to learn what you need to learn, with all the resources you need at your disposal. https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/life-after-divorce/10-actionable-tips-for-rebuilding-a-life-after-divorce-for-yourself/#:~:text=Below%20are%2010%20actionable%20tips%20for%20rebuilding%20a,...%208%20Join%20a%20group.%20...%20More%20items READ MORE