Rheumatoid Arthritis and Meaningful Relationships
Living with a chronic illness like RA trickles into all aspects of life. How do you manage the relationships in your life?
My closest friends and family have witnessed me crashing from fatigue so many times that they understand and help to compensate for me when I crumple and fold. They know me well enough to understand that I’m doing my best, and when I’m resting it is because I have no choice and am not shirking responsibilities. I feel guilty when it means spending less time with or effort on my kids, but I hope and believe that it also helps them learn empathy and responsibility. It is trickier with newer friends and romantic relationships.
Not many people want to sign on for a partnership with someone who is chronically ill. I try not to define myself by my illnesses or what I can’t do. That being said, most people’s first question is “What do you do?”, and it feels only fair to explain right then and there that I am disabled from working, and that managing halftime custody of my children and my own health and household takes all of my energy and then some. Doing so also immediately weeds out those who run for the hills.
I’m an introvert by nature, and happy to have a small circle of close friends and family who get it and love me for who I am rather than what I can do. If I connect with others, I happily but gradually open up to them more. I also have many acquaintances I would probably get to know better and spend more time with if I didn’t need to spend so much time resting at home to make it through the day. It is what it is.
When meeting new people, do you share with them that you have rheumatoid arthritis?
It depends on the conversation. I don’t blurt it out after hello, but when it comes up naturally, I have no problem sharing.
Do you struggle with getting close to others?
I am closest with those who have known me for long enough that they know the ‘real me’ before illness stole my energy and much of my time. I wouldn’t say I struggle to get close to others, but because I spend much of my time alone at home, it’s a slow and selective process. I have to really connect with someone to make time and energy for them in my life, because my awake and productive time is limited compared to others’.
I don’t have a very active social life, but plan my time and pace myself to rest before and after important events and visits to ensure that I can spend time with the important people in my life. It’s not often that someone new makes the effort and vice versa. I am okay with that and don’t take it personally. I find it helpful to connect with people going through similar health struggles who understand and live with similar limitations.
