Parenting With Mindfulness
Dr. Jeff Nalin is a psychologist practicing in Malibu, CA. Dr. Nalin specializes in the treatment of mental health problems, and helps people to cope with their mental illnesses. As a psychologist, Dr. Nalin evaluates and treats patients through a variety of methods, most typically being psychotherapy or talk therapy. Patients... more
There is increasing evidence that mindful parenting contributes to the likelihood of producing children who are better adjusted to society, and less likely to suffer from mental health problems. This would appear to be a natural extension, in an era where mindfulness has become a dominant trend in self-care techniques. It appears, however, that simply being mindful individuals ourselves, does not automatically translate over into being mindful parents. Mindful parenting has its own set of criteria to be followed, which implies that it needs to be developed as a separate, distinct, discipline.
Overview of Mindfulness Technique
The concept of mindfulness – which is often overlapped with the practice of meditation – has roots in Eastern philosophy. In essence, it is a state of thinking which allows for the present moment to dominate our consciousness. As depression is often rooted in thoughts of the past, and anxiety is concerned with thoughts of the future, invoking mindfulness of the present is often utilized as a means of avoiding both of those extremes.
With mindfulness techniques, thoughts and feelings are not resisted or denied. They are simply allowed to pass through, and then encouraged to move away. Refusing to cling to any impressions or experiences which are counterproductive to our best interests provides us with the freedom to move forward and keep our mind centered on making the best decisions for the moment. With practice, this state of conscious transience of experience can become our daily routine.
Where the common practice of mindfulness appears to break down in regard to parenting is in its emphasis on self-focus. A person who is centered in mindfulness is primarily concerned with his or her own experience, and with navigating that experience as a solo journey. While doing so may be enough to keep a parent calm and rational during stressful parenting scenarios, it may not provide enough empathy and insight into the experience of the child.
Applying Mindfulness to Parenting
Unlike parental orientations in previous times – when children were expected to learn vicariously, and without much questioning – we are living in an era where children expect that their own, unique experiences are going to be validated by the adults around them. It is no longer our journey, as parents, which takes center stage. The experiences of the children are the current focus of good parenting.
The idea of mindfully separating the experience of the children from those of the parents is supported by Bowen’s Family Systems Theory. Bowen realized long ago that a child’s failure to differentiate his or her own experiences from the experiences of the parents can result in various forms of codependency. Codependency, later in life, can manifest in unpleasant adult encounters, such as persistent relationship strife; mental health issues; and substance abuse. Mindful parenting is best focused on this task of helping the child to learn to navigate his or her own, individual, experiences, and consists of a healthy circle of practice, teaching, and implementation.
1. Practice Mindfulness, Yourself
When extending the concept of mindfulness to parenting, it is important that the parents first have the ability to practice it for themselves. Without the ability to suspend reactions and judgments in the immediate, the chances of responding in a productive way to scenarios of conflict with the child are diminished. Spend some time mastering the art of mindfulness in your own sphere of existence before expecting it to work miracles with your child.
2. Teach The Skills
In spite of all of the changes in our culture, a parent is still the child’s primary source of information about the world. There is no better source of information about the usefulness of employing mindfulness techniques than yourself, and your child will look to you for cues on how to do so. Actively work toward helping your child to develop skills of mindfulness, such as acknowledgment of feelings; suspension of judgment and purposeful action.
3. Model Self-Compassion
Most of us have experienced the disappointment of learning that our mentors do not practice what they preach. As a parent, this danger of being considered hypocritical is always looming. While implementing your own forms of mindfulness during interactions with your child, be sure to include the concept of forgiveness and compassion, and communicate that we are all, always, works in progress.
