Slow down

Dr Vivek Murthy, the US surgeon general, writes in his book “Together” about our need to participate in personal and community relationships, especially in the wake of COViD isolation.

Loneliness is a public health issue that clearly effects physical and mental well being. In this well written and accessible book, Murthy gives many examples of how people can actively reach out to others to find different kinds of community.

Self blame about loneliness leads to feelings of sadness and decreased self worth, even for a person as accomplished as Dr Murthy. Ironically, we are not alone in our loneliness, which effects more and more people as traditional community experiences wane. Reading this book made me hopeful about my own loneliness as I enter the last quarter of my life.

Like many people my work has been a major source of socialization. Now that I am old and financially retired I realize I can structure my new private practice in ways that are different than the employed work I have done most of my career. With age comes more and more experience as a patient, and i hope to incorporate these lessons learned in my own practice. 

Years ago when I practiced in a big city I encouraged my patients to slow down and take the time to consciously take care of themselves. Eventually I took my own advice and moved to Maine. But reading Dr Murthy’s book reminded me that slowing down and really paying attention to others is the bedrock of overcoming loneliness and being in community.

One way to help us remember to slow down, stop and pay attention, is to practice daily meditation and planned exercise. These are best done in the morning when rested, and when the distractions of the day have not built up.

Physical exercise is a kind of meditation, whether it is fast like running or slow like yoga. Murthy cites evidence that exercising with other people is more effective psychologically than doing it alone. To keep your body going you have to pay attention.

Most people find quiet meditation where you don’t use your body much harder to do than physical exercise. The key to making meditation work is to see it as a way of practicing patience and kindness towards yourself as you inevitably fail to maintain your focus on whatever you are meditating on. In the beginning, meditating on a sensory experience you can keep going back to as your mind wanders is usually easier. 

In either exercise or meditation one should commit to putting other concerns on hold and prioritizing time to do them. This repeated act of prioritizing this kind of self attention prepares one for paying attention to others, which is the key to overcoming loneliness. Only if one practices patience with one’s self can they optimize their ability to be patient with others, to give them the space to express themselves. This requires us to slow down or stop our rush to “get thing done.” I call this the fine art of stopping.

Moving our attention constantly results in a blur. Even movies are made one stopped frame at a time. Only when we momentarily stop do we really experience the passage of time. And as they say, time is all we have.