Talking To Teens About a Parent's Suicide
I am a Licensed Counselor in the state of Arizona and am also licensed to practice therapy via telehealth in the state of Florida. I have advanced clinical training and experience in the areas of eating disorder recovery, pre-verbal (early life) trauma, trauma-based dissociation, complex trauma, recent incident trauma,... more
As a psychotherapist and a mother whose children’s father died by suicide, I can’t imagine a much more difficult experience to navigate. Any time a parent dies it is difficult, however unlike illness or an accident where there is a clear external cause, suicide is complicated and difficult for even adults to wrap their heads around. Talking to my children (ages 8 and 12) was the single hardest experience of my life even with the benefit of being a therapist who supports people with loss by suicide all the time.
When talking to children about a parent’s death by suicide, it’s important to talk to them using honest, age-appropriate language. Younger children will need to be addressed using simpler concepts, but your 14 year old will need more information. Engaging in honest conversations is the best way to help teens to begin to process and adapt to the reality of the loss and it shows them that the adults in their lives can be trusted.
Simple and honest answers to their questions are important. While you may feel like avoiding talking about it or withholding truth is the right way to go about it, kids will often fill in the blanks with misinformation or incorrect suppositions in the absence of truth. Obviously, it would be good wherever possible to avoid any gory details, but if this is unavoidable, be sure to support your child and provide context. Redirecting the conversation away from gruesome details and instead focusing on how to cope with feelings of loss, anger, and sadness is best.
When grieving the loss of a parent by suicide, it’s important to validate their feelings…whatever they may be. Death by suicide is scary, confusing and sad - and my acknowledging the appropriateness of all feelings, you’ll create an environment where your child can feel safe and supported in their grieving. It’s also important that your child know that they are not to blame; it is important to help your child understand that their parent was ill, that everyone did their best to help, but they didn’t succeed.
It is normal for shock and grief to disrupt your teen’s life for a while. It would be normal for moods to swing from anger, confusion and pain, to moments of happiness. Helping your teen to maintain some semblance of their normal routine is helpful; consider reaching out to your child’s teachers, parents or peers, coaches or other support networks to loop them in and create a safety net around your child. If you notice continuing patterns of withdrawal, sadness, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, or difficulty in school, it may be time to reach out for professional support.
For more information, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention offers a helpful booklet on children, teens and suicide here: https://aws-fetch.s3.amazonaws.com/flipbooks/childrenteenssuicideloss/index.html?page=1
