“My mother has dementia, and is starting to forget my daughter. How can I explain this to my daughter?”

Try to be patient with her because the symptoms and memorie problems get worse a old age but just keep trying to get her to understand explaining that she is her grandmother if the problem continues I’m sorry there is nothing that can cure that problem but just keep on trying to get her to remember

First, I am sorry to hear of your mom’s illness. Although I have not personally experienced emotional pain and the many challenges that dementia brings once a parent becomes ill, I did spend a year as a neuropsychologist resident at Winter Haven hospital, helping patients and their families to deal with the challenges that Alzheimer’s And Dementia diseases bring.

I imagine your daughter is probably focusing on her sadness and feelings of loss.
you might share a different perspective with her some thing like this-Imagine that our brain is like a big library with lots of books. Each book holds special memories and stories. But sometimes, as people get older, some of these books become a bit blurry, like when a page in a book gets hard to read.

Well, your grandma’s brain is like that library, and some of her books are getting blurry. So, she might forget things or not recognize people sometimes. It’s not her fault, and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love us. It’s just her brain’s way of changing. What’s important is that we still love and care for her, just like always, even if her library is a little different now. and remember, it’s not what she remembers that matters. It’s the fun that you have and the laughter that you share each time you see each other.

I hope this helps you and your family in your time of need.

Take care, Dr. Cheryl Burke
Holistic Wellness Consulting.

We can explain to an 8 year old that sometimes as we get older, we have trouble remembering things. For some of us, our brains get sick and one way of it being sick is to forget new memories. Ask your daughter if she remembers her favorite blanket, stuffed animal, etc so she can relate. This is a memory from a long time ago, yet she is only 8. With her grandmother who has however many years, the past 15 years (for example) might be gone, but grandma might be able to remember when she was a little girl. We don't mean to forget people, but when our brains are sick in this way we don't have a way of making it better. Your daughter can still relate to your Mom on first name basis and talk about their favorite things. The hope is this will help your daughter understand within her limited development (being 8), empathize and know it's not intentional, and still have a relationship.

Hmm, this is difficult. Be honest by saying she has dementia and individuals who have it have a hard time remembering people and places. Give your daughter ways to handle when your mom forgets. Remind your daughter it's okay to feel upset and sad. Let her know her emotions are normal. Tell her some of the ways you handle it as well. You could also have your daughter talk to her family doctor to come up with other ways to be with people who have dementia.

Discussing these matters with children is a tricky matter that most parents will face. My recommendation is that we avoid being dishonest or giving children a false sense that things will eventually go back to "normal" when, in reality, they will not. This will only temporarily provide relief and will ultimately cause more confusion and pain while potentially damaging trust and a child's sense of safety. I believe that the best course of action is to explain that the loved one is sick and that the sickness has caused certain changes in the loved one. Perhaps letting your daughter know that grandma is sick and that part of her condition is that she will lose her ability to remember things including people who she loves. Additionally, dementia patients may have some good days and some bad days, and ultimately, they will always struggle with their memory and the struggle may get worse over time. Most importantly, let your daughter know that it makes perfect sense that she would be sad about this and that it is best to talk about this sadness at times. Avoidance of the feelings and talking about changes in grandma will likely delay and complicate the inevitability of your daughter having to grieve the loss of grandma as she has known her. Counseling for her (perhaps with your involvement) could be extremely helpful in supporting a healthy grieving process.

Best wishes,

Adam

Hello, first let me express my sympathy for you and your family as you work to manage your mother's dementia. There really is not one answer for your question. It depends on how mature your daughter is. Most time the best thing do to is be open and honest with her and explain to your daughter what her grandmother is going through. The main point that should be given is that she has a medical condition, and it is the medical condition that is causing her not to remember her. As her condition will worsen. There are several books that you can read with her to explain the process and how to best handle it as a family. I have included a link, if you are interested in looking into the various options for books: https://www.alzheimers.net/6-03-16-books-for-children-about-alzheimers-and-dementia/

I’m sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I recommend first affirming with your daughter that this is sad and difficult to understand, even for adults. Then ask her if she has any questions. Often children are thinking and wanting answers much different than we think. Be there for her, let her talk and ask questions. Remember, as adults we don’t have all the answers, and that’s ok. We don’t know why the brain does what it does, and it’s ok to feel sad, confused and frustrated about that.