Helping Ourselves, Helping Our Children: Psychological Coping with Crisis, War, and Uncertainty

As an experienced Clinical and Pediatric Psychologist, I have worked with hundreds of individuals of every age who have had to respond to crises that may be linked to acts of terror, natural disaster, war, life-threatening illness, or the death of a loved one. The science and practice of psychology have a great deal of research and clinical experience to guide us along and help us cope as best we can to support ourselves, our children, our families, and our community. The following ideas were based on the work of my colleague in Israel, Jackie Goldman, MA, who has worked directly with thousands of young people through the Koby Mandell Foundation. This approach emphasizes the importance of organizing often overwhelming fear and anxiety into a “Coping Gameplan,” aimed at helping us regain emotional balance and allowing us to move forward in our lives after the crisis passes.

Remember that feeling anxious and unsure of ourselves is a normal human response to uncertainty. Respect your anxiety but try not to let it rule over you. You are concerned for yourselves and for those you love. Acknowledge to yourselves and to your children that it makes sense to be anxious. At the same time, recognize that you can reinforce your coping strategies, and incorporate new ones. Remember that there is hope for the future, even if at a moment of crisis that may seem impossible.

Following are some tools that can help make the process more manageable.

STAY INFORMED

Being informed gives us – and our children – a much-needed sense of control. What we learn, what we share, and how we help one another must be tailored to each person’s particular coping style. Some of us need to know everything about everything, while others only want to know just enough to stay safe.

Balance the need to be informed, with overexposure to the news – particularly scenes of violence. You may feel that by turning off the news, you are betraying the victims by ‘turning away’ from them. You will never ‘turn away’, and you have an obligation to take care of yourself.

Our bodies respond to each viewing of violence and heartbreak by tensing up as if it were its first exposure. This is a primitive response, originally intended to help us avoid danger – fight, fight, or freeze. It's a great asset in the jungle – but in our living rooms, repeated exposure reinforces anxiety. Know when to push the off button on televisions and phones. (Always turn it off when children and vulnerable adults are in the room)

CHILDREN

The uncertainty created by random acts of violence requires us to consider how we usually function day-to-day. You may need to set new restrictions on how you and your children use technology or do things in public spaces. Some changes are for your own peace of mind; your kids might not like it, but your role as a parent is to find a healthy balance between your needs and theirs. Be lovingly firm about limitations and expectations.

YOUNG CHILDREN

Answers to young children’s questions should contain information that they need or ask for – and no more. Children may ask the same questions over and over, requiring a great deal of patience on your part! Keep in mind that they are comforted by repetition – remember how many times you read Good Night, Moon!?

Let them know that you are doing all you can to keep them safe. Review family rules and be lovingly firm about limitations that keep them safe. Having structure provides security. Tell them about our security personnel, police, first responders, military, and how they are trained to help.

If prayer is a part of your family’s world, encourage them to pray. Everyone can engage in acts of kindness to others that help us feel connected and important. Try to avoid promises that you can’t keep.

Feel free to acknowledge that you are afraid – and tell them what you do to help yourself feel less afraid. Ask them what would help them be less afraid.

TEENS

We all know that teens process the world in their own unpredictable ways. They are struggling to develop independence, values, identity – and need a stable environment in which to grow. Your job is to create as stable an environment in the home as possible.

Maintain house rules, sprinkled with explanations, patience, and understanding. Help them find ways to give to the community. Teen participants in Camp Koby often describe a sense of accomplishment and significance when helping others.

Encourage them to meet with friends in person whenever possible. Talk with them! Share your concerns, your sadness, your hopes – and listen to theirs.

EMPOWERMENT

Empowerment is a wonderful antidote to anxiety, and helping others provides a sense of empowerment and self-worth. Organize prayer and social action group activities, and help families whose lives are directly disrupted by writing letters of support or sending/donating needed supplies.

MAINTAIN A ROUTINE

Maintaining a regular routine, to the degree it's possible gives us a sense of security and familiarity. Engage in physical activity, get a good night's sleep, and eat a healthy diet, along with appropriate snacks and celebrations for birthdays, etc, even if they are “toned down” due to challenging circumstances.

Give yourself or your loved one permission to get a massage or a luxurious bath as a "break" from the tension, play action or expressive games with young children, and board games with friends and family. Listen to music, do relaxation exercises, organize family photographs, learn new things with others, and laugh together. We are allowed to – indeed, we all need to experience some positives in the face of difficult times in order to re-establish a healthy balance of mind and body.

SIGNS FOR CONCERN

Be alert to changes in your own and your loved ones' behavior (i.e. regressive behaviors among young children, isolation among teens). Some changes are appropriate and adaptive – young children might cling to a parent or teacher, and teens and adults may become (more) dependent on others. Such behaviors should resolve themselves as the situation improves.

If these behaviors continue after life has returned to normal, speak to your child's teachers and school counselor, or seek professional help for yourself. (For more information about the impact of trauma on adults and children, see www.traumaweb.com)

Tough times are tough, with no easy answers. During a crisis, we need to strengthen and reinforce loving support and caring for ourselves, our kids, families, and friends. These behaviors will serve us well during times of crisis and beyond, as well.