The Winter Holiday Season

Thanksgiving used to be the unofficial opening of the winter holiday season. Holiday creep has occurred over the years with Halloween being the new open. I’ll go one step further declaring October as the new “new” open. While holidays are typically a joyous time, we also know they can be times of emotional upheaval. The days are growing shorter which means less sunlight. The weather is cooler and in the current COVID environment, many remain with fewer social supports. Family gatherings, joyous or not, can be periods of stress. Memories of our missing family members are bittersweet. Resolved or unresolved childhood dramas rear their heads with sibling regressions to our 9- and 10-year-old selves. What’s a person to do?

Most everyone understands the dichotomy of holidays as a source of both pleasure and stress and knowledge is power. It’s also become apparent we need to adapt to living in a COVID world rather than waiting for COVID to disappear. Understanding that there will be stress will give you the opportunity to form a different relationship with conflict and most importantly actively engage in stress reduction strategies. You’ve read about many of these strategies, but the most important stress reducer is your mind and understanding the tricks it may play on you; especially when stressed. Here are some exercises and illustrations:

Think of a stressful situation. Examine the thoughts, feelings, and body sensations you are experiencing and see if you can separate your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations from actual situations or events. For example, you are having 10 people over for the holidays and you feel you have no time to prepare. You start to feel wound up, perhaps a little angry (or sad). Maybe there are some autonomic symptoms like a rapid heart rate or sweating and eventually, you have a negative conversation along the lines of, “I can’t ever do this right” or “I’m never good enough, there’s something wrong with me”. 

Let’s dissect this further.

What is the actual event? 10 people coming over for Thanksgiving.

What did you experience? A rapid heart rate, sweating, sadness, or anger (whatever associated emotion).

What were the interpretations? You can’t do this right, you’re never good enough, or some other negative thought.

Your brain just tricked you there. Somehow an event of 10 people coming for Thanksgiving with an experience of rapid heart rate sweating, maybe some associated sadness and anger turned into your experience of “not being good enough”. Did you catch that bait and switch? Not insignificant, because that just cost an unnecessary lowering of self-esteem for completely unconnected events. A rapid heart rate and feelings of sadness do not equate to your not being good enough or never doing anything right (or whatever the negative associated thought or emotion).

There’s something else to which to attend. Our tricky little brains are at work again. There’s a constant bombardment of negative conversations we have with ourselves all the time. Our brain is always talking to us and during periods of stress, it doesn’t typically tell us kind things. Start paying attention to these automatic negative conversations to challenge their veracity. Here are some common examples you think might be true:

Automatic Thought: “I don’t have enough time/money/energy. I’m not smart/talented/competent enough.” Here’s the wicked part. Our brain will mix some truth with fiction, so the thought has the ring of truth. It’s this ring of truth that grabs deep in our emotional or limbic brain and holds a particularly strong valence. 

Our brains believe what we say to ourselves whether truth or fiction. Henry Ford’s quote “Whether you think you can or think you can’t-you’re right” is especially applicable here. Start attending to your automatic negative thoughts and note the emotional valence associated with these thoughts. Challenge and authentically rescript these automatic thoughts and note the new associated valence.

With this being said, the next project is limits. Negative thoughts are negative thoughts and adding the word “No” needs to become part of our vocabulary. Most of us to a varying degree are people pleasers and we don’t want to disappoint those we love. We say “Yes” when we mean “No” and we’re waiting for permission to say “No”. We need to give ourselves permission to say “No” and have that be just fine. Need a reason for it “No” to be okay? How about almost two years of COVID restriction?  

Finally, it’s perfectly okay to ask for help. I don’t know where or how we got it into our heads we aren’t supposed to do ask for help, but we all want to help each other and we feel better helping each other. And if you already do this, ask for more help. You can even, dare I say, ask someone else to bring the turkey.

Anticipation about upcoming holiday events for many is fun and joyful. On the other hand, it can also be overwhelming and anxiety-provoking, particularly with the ambiguity of not knowing the new rules of social engagement. Check your automatic negative thoughts and challenge them. “No” is a perfectly acceptable answer. Asking for help may be a foreign concept but it’s good to learn new things and ultimately, we all feel good helping one another. Right? Give yourself permission (and I mean complete permission) to modify your plans to whatever degree you need to do to get the job done. Grant yourself full grace. Remember, you’re doing an awesome job.  And if you’re not, challenge that conversation and maybe rescript it.