Re-Living Your Own Past
Dr. Jennifer Ramlo is a psychologist practicing in Encino, CA. Dr. Ramlo specializes in the treatment of health mental problems and helps people to cope with their mental illnesses. As a psychologist, Dr. Ramlo evaluates and treats patients through a variety of methods, most typically being psychotherapy or talk therapy.... more
Re-living your own past: the not so thought about parenting challenges
Jennifer Ramlo August 23, 2020
I think all parents would agree that the experience of parenting is more complicated than any one of us had ever anticipated. I am also confident that most parents would also agree that while being a parent is one of the most fulfilling experiences in life, it is also one of the most challenging. A well-known psychoanalyst and a general in WWII, Wilfred Bion, described parenting similar to standing on the battlefields of war, never sure when or where he might be hit with bullets that were flying through the air. He said that raising children often took him back to that dangerous time of war when life was dangerous and chaotic and there were no rules.
Parenting, like our children, is ever-changing. We talk and play with our two year old differently than we do with that same child who is 12 years old and again when she is 20 years old. Part of the challenge is knowing how to most effectively manage each stage of our child’s developmental processes. There is an abundance of information available that can guide us through some of the common issues that all parents struggle with. However, the problem lies in the fact that all children are different. Each child is a unique blend of genes, temperament, birth experience, and environmental factors. As a result, we encounter upsets and frustrations from each of our children that we have no way of predicting nor understanding.
Through my work as both a psychologist and as a parent, I am aware of a state of mind that is only evoked through the parenting experience: it is a stream of images and feelings that lies dormant in the unconscious mind until it is awakened by an episode of parenting. These feelings are so infused with who we are as individuals that when they come to our awareness, the experience is one of knowing and not knowing at the same time. It is similar to the experience of meeting a person and having an overwhelming feeling of knowing that person, knowing that they existed somewhere in your past but you cannot quite remember when or where.
This experience is alive within each of us throughout our child’s development. It is present as we watch our children grow from an infant to a small child through adolescence and into adulthood. While we watch our children grow up and learn to manage the world around them, there is an omnipresent feeling of a re-experiencing of our own lives.
It is natural to assume that our children’s experience of the world resembles our own. After all, we only know our own experience and it is human nature to assume that our understanding of the world is similar to how others experience their world. With our children, when we watch them tackle milestones such as riding a bike or beginning the first day of school, we naturally assume their experience will be just like our own.
We quite often see ourselves in our children. We are most conflicted by the parts of our children that we struggled with the most in our own childhood. If riding a bike was a traumatic experience, we might decide to hold off on teaching our child to ride a bike. If the first day of school brought up anxiety then we will most likely assume our children are full of anxiety on the first day of school as well.
Yet, we are not our children. Often, we are not aware of the fact that as our children grow, through each phase of development, we relive our own struggles, difficulties, and accomplishments simultaneous to the age of our children.
Often when I am working with parents, I hear them say phrases such as “oh no, I couldn’t do that, he would hate that” or “I don’t understand why she isn’t a better player, I was such a good athlete when I was her age”. It is phrases like these that need to be explored further. Would their son hate something or should their daughter be better at something because of who the children are or who the parents were at that time in their lives?
There is an internal experience that can help a parent know that they may be in the throws of this type of phenomenon. We all have an experience of feeling sad or anxious and not have any idea as to why we are feeling this way. We may think about our lives and overall find that most everything is fine. Our children are doing well enough and there is nothing that brings up a dreaded sense of urgency. Yet, there is an unsettling feeling that is pulling us. Think about your child. How old is he/she? Where is he/she? It might be that the uneasy feeling you are having is a memory of your own life that coincides with the age of your child.
When our children are engaged in something that is creating a feeling of upset, be mindful about expressing your feelings/anxieties out-loud. It is very easy to project our unwanted messy feelings of our own lives onto the minds as bodies of our children. Due to the complicated relationship between children and parents, children are very good at taking those projections in. When this happens, our children may feel misunderstood and there is the danger that the child becomes stuck with their parents projected experience as opposed to discovering their own.
Until then, allow yourself to think about who you are separate and apart from who your children are. Often there are similarities in personality. However, be careful in assuming you know how they feel or what their experience is simply based on your own experience and memories. And if you find yourself feeling out of sorts and not sure why consciously revisit the time in your life that coincides with the age of your children and you might find the answer.
