Grieving with Wholeness

Normal grief is as necessary as a healthy diet for a healthier adjustment

By Dr. Bido E. AGUESSY.

What Grief?

Grief is a reverse manifestation of love. Because we love we will always remember and grieve. Grief and love are on the same medal. At the face of that medal, we have love, and grief at the back.

Grieving is loving. When we grieve, we are expressing love. We all experience and witness tragedies throughout our lives, however the closer these events are to us the more intense our grief.

The Parable of Grief

Grief is like buying shoes for a young child, five or ten years old.  People typically buy a bigger shoe size with the expectation that within weeks and months the shoes will fit perfectly.  At the beginning the shoes are uncomfortable, resulting on complaints from the little one.  But with time, the complaints stop.

What happened? The shoes did not change. However, the little child grew in size and the same shoes that were too big and uncomfortable, fit perfectly.

That is grief. At the beginning, grief is uncomfortable.  But with time, we grow stronger emotionally and spiritually, we can handle the same grief differently. The loss is still the same; however, the internal strength has changed.

Wound Care Therapy

When we are wounded physically, we make time for wound care at a clinic or a hospital.  That process is necessary for the wound to heal.

When experiencing losses, the wound is emotional.  We need to bandage that emotional wound. This is referred to as Wound Care Therapy. A process that recommends of taking take and care for the emotional wound as we do for the physical wound. If a physical wound is neglected, the consequences of infestations and complications can be devastating. Like a physical wound, the emotional wound can lead to complication when neglected. In the case of the emotional injury, the neglect leads to mental unbalance.  

Is “Grief” Arrogant? My way or the highway?

The road of grief is filled of a fountain of emotions: sadness, loneliness, frustration, anger, tears…etc. That is a normal grief. For is a normal reaction to a loss. However, we tend to avoid these emotions and suppress them. The observable fact is when we avoid the road for normal grief, we are left often with the highway of mental unbalance.

Normal grief is not the absence of sadness, tears, frustration, loneliness …etc... Normal grief is breaking down at the shopping center because it is your loved one favorite store. Normal grief is passing by a restaurant and burst into tears because it brings memories about your loved one. Normal grief is watching your favorite show and become emotional about a scene, because it brings memories.

Grieving with Wholeness  

Grieving with wholeness is being able to balance your emotions during grief

Introduction to the Triple R Methods: Reverse-Reflect-Redirect.

The traditional classification of emotions interferes with the normal grief process.

 The traditional view stipulates that some emotions are negatives, and some are positive. Among negative emotions are anger, frustration, tears, and the positive one are usually happiness, and joy.

The fact of the matter is, the emotions are plain when generated at their root. Rather the actions induced by these emotions can be positive or negative. We can experience rage and take that intensity to clean the garage or we can be happy and run in the middle of a road and cause misfortune.

Emotions have no label generically, yet the actions induced by these emotions can be deemed positive or negative.

The problem with traditional labelling of emotion during the grief process

It is no secret that we tend to distance ourselves from anything negative and gravitate toward positivity. The classification of emotions as positive or negative prompts us to distance ourselves from certain emotions. Our reactions toward this classification, occur as reflex, and the mental association happens subliminally.

These emotions become non grata and we try hard to suppress or avoid them. The phrase  ‘changing the station  ‘to avoid negative emotions is common.

As a result, we avoid the normal grief process, and develop a dual emotion state, we can call, Doubleness.

The Doubleness or the dual emotional state.

During the avoidance, we stay away from the normal grief process because the emotions  are perceived as negative. Then we develop a dual emotional state called Doubleness.

Doubleness consists of two emotional states, our comfortable side and our grieving side. The comfortable side comprises of emotions deemed positive, and the grieving side is filled with so-called negative emotions as response to a loss. We intentionally choose to live in our comfortable side and repress the grieving side.

In doing so, we embrace only one side of ourselves, while ignoring other parts. We are not living our full potential. This is like driving with spare tire. The spare tire is designed to help us only for few miles. But when it becomes the main tire, we can drive, but not at a full capacity.

Embracing only one side of ourselves results on living without balance. When our lives are without balance depressive emotions surge and this can lead to mental unbalanced.

To avoid mental unbalanced, we need to embrace every part of ourselves during grief, and grieve with wholeness.

Finding wholeness in grief is to experience all the emotions that come with grieving and remaining mentally balanced.

The tripe R method: Reverse-Reflect-Redirect

To help patients balance their emotion during grief, we have developed a technique called the Triple R Method. Reverse, Reflect, Redirect.

‘Reverse:

The traditional classification of emotions as positive or negative interfere with the normal grief process. This leads to mental unbalance. The first step in the process is to rethink and unlabeled the traditional conception of emotions as negative or positive.

Every emotion is received and experienced without label. The emotions on their own are neither positive nor negative. Only the action induced by the latest should be deemed positive or negative. Neither, rage, joy, happiness, nor sadness, should ascribed any label.

The stage of reversing is shifting our thoughts from the traditional classification to a declassification of these emotions.

At this stage, we see emotions as plain with no label.

Reflect:

This stage consists of analyzing and reflecting on the intensity of the received emotion. Decerning the intensity and the possible avenue to channel these emotions. This period of reflection helps us to intentional identify, what to do with the intensity of that emotion.

Redirect:

After the period of reflection and wrestling with the emotions, we make a final choice of where to channel the intensity of our emotions. It is up to everyone to choose the direction that fits for the redirection.

Conclusion

Embracing normal grief is the road to a healthier adjustment.

Normal grief is not the absence of emotions. However, the traditional classification of emotions as positive or negative prompts us to avoid that normal grief process. This can lead to emotional unbalanced and mental unbalanced.