“How to fix our marriage and prevent divorce?”
My wife of 22 years told me yesterday that she wanted a divorce. I know I haven't been the most present husband but I never cheated on her. I don't want to give up on our marriage or the love we have. What methods can we use to work on our marriage?
13 Answers
I'm very sorry to hear that. In my experience with other clients, I have an idea of what you might be feeling. I am very sure that you and your wife have been doing the best you can with the information and idea of what it means to be in a relationship—to be a couple. One important thing to do is to be able to listen to each other. To really listen is to be present and empathic, and most of the time we want to gather information just to answer back and defend ourselves or look for who is "guilty" of "whatever the situation is." I know that all marriages can face challenges together when they are aligned with their goals. I don't know what the details of the situation are (they are important), but you can start by asking if she would like to work on things and that you are willing to do what it takes, even get help from a professional. This is to open the door to find solutions, but you need to be prepared to face the end if that is part of the solution. I know that I, as well as any other expert coaching couple, can help you and your wife.
I’d definitely recommend you each go to an individual therapist and then also go to a marriage therapist. Both are important to get out of unhelpful relationship patterns.
Spend more time together and understand what is lacking. Be open to acceptance and change
If you have not expended all resources before making a big decision, then options you can use to work on your marriage: couple's counseling, couple's retreat, consult with spiritual leaders or marriage support groups, listen to relationship podcasts together, develop relationship goals together moving forward, read 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work - John Gottman (there are exercises in there to do together)
Hello there, I am sorry to hear of your current situation. However, it does not mean it needs to stay in the current situation. I would try to see if your wife would be interested in trying out marriage counseling. It may be a good and safe way for both of you to talk openly about how you feel about your marriage and what needs to be worked on. If you have tried marriage counseling in the past and it hasn't seemed to work before, I wouldn't give up on it just yet, sometimes you need to 'shop' around until you find a therapist right for you and your wife. Another thing I would try is just setting out time for just the two of you, and just trying to talk and figure out how this can be prevented and the marriage can be fixed. As long as you both are willing to keep an open mind and are committed to doing the work, it can at least get you started on the right path. Wishing you nothing but the best of luck.
Hello. I’m sorry to hear this news. If you want to try to stay together and heal the relationship you might want to ask her if she is willing to TRY. If so, reach out to me or another specialist and start healing. Remember, there are many things that contribute to relational decline, cheating is only one thing. Being present and attentive is usually important in an intimate relationship. Dr Burke www.Holisticwellnessconsultingllc.com
There are many different programs out there to help you with this. To start focus on yourself and reevaluate how you are as a husband and if there are changes/improvements you could make. Be the safe nonjudgmental person your wife can count on. I recommend the work of Dr. Gottman to guide you on this journey. Good Luck
Both parties have to want to work on the marriage. If she's willing, I highly suggest The Gottman Method. Here is their website. They also have a store. https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-to-read-to-set-your-relationship-up-for-success/
The Gottman's have been leaders in their field for over 50 years and supported by vast research and thousands of happy couples. Here's one of their workbooks. https://a.co/d/7XsZSBX
It may be helpful to find a Gottman couples therapist on www.psychologytoday.com or online to help facilitate the process. Good Luck!
The Gottman's have been leaders in their field for over 50 years and supported by vast research and thousands of happy couples. Here's one of their workbooks. https://a.co/d/7XsZSBX
It may be helpful to find a Gottman couples therapist on www.psychologytoday.com or online to help facilitate the process. Good Luck!
Hi,
Thank you for your question. It sounds like there are relationship and communication issues between you and your wife that are contributing to her wanting a divorce. Since you don't want to give up on the marriage, I would recommend that you seek couples counseling to work through any problems and create some solutions together in a safe environment.
I hope this has been helpful!
Best,
Jenna Torres, PsyD
Thank you for your question. It sounds like there are relationship and communication issues between you and your wife that are contributing to her wanting a divorce. Since you don't want to give up on the marriage, I would recommend that you seek couples counseling to work through any problems and create some solutions together in a safe environment.
I hope this has been helpful!
Best,
Jenna Torres, PsyD
Relationships are about communication. Why does your wife want the divorce? What about the marriage is making her unhappy? Relationships require two people to be fully present and willing to work. You said that you want to work on the marriage but does she? Finding out the answers to these questions will let you know if you can save the marriage. If so, going to a marriage counselor is recommended. You may also want to get your own individual counselor. An individual counselor may be beneficial for you regardless because they will be able to help you through this situation.
Marriage counseling is an option that may help in this situation. Asking if she is willing to try therapy before ending the relationship may be helpful and if she is willing to try therapy, there are many couples counseling techniques that may improve the relationship.
Thank you,
Patricia Harris | MA, LPC
Thank you,
Patricia Harris | MA, LPC
I would recommend marriage counseling to understand why she has asked for a divorce and what she is needing as well as discover what your needs are in the marriage.
Sara Cole, MS, LPC, CAC III, NCC
Sara Cole, MS, LPC, CAC III, NCC
Hello and thank you for reaching out. While this is a difficult time there is no easy answer or quick fix. Without knowing the details, I would suggest you and your wife sit down and discuss what is going on if it is possible. If it is too hard, I would suggest seeking marital therapy to discuss any concerns and to possibly work things out.
