Why A Midlife Crisis May Not Be Bad

In our culture, the idea of the midlife crisis is feared, ridiculed or even shamed. After practicing medicine for almost 20 years, I have noticed a common pattern with adults approaching the ominous "middle age". It does appear that the wheels start falling off in this age group. This does not happen to everyone, but when it does it can look very dramatic. 

Before we delve into why this happens, we need to understand what is going on in the first few decades of life. In our teens, 20's and 30's, life seems to be going in an upward trajectory: our bodies are at their peak, we are focused on our education, our careers, finding a partner, creating a home, and possibly having kids. Our lives are focused on the external (as they should be!)

But around the ages of 37 to 47, uncannily like clockwork, turmoil, discontent and trauma can hit. Traumatic events could be a medical event, a crisis with a child, an infidelity, a job loss or disappointment, a family conflict, or simply a creeping feeling of dissatisfaction, restlessness and emptiness. This often leads to physical symptoms like anxiety, irritability, anger outbursts, depression, panic attacks or insomnia. It can also trigger behavioral changes such as escalation of alcohol use, drug use, excessive partying, compulsive shopping, overeating, excessive plastic surgery or having an affair.

The First Half of Life & The Second Half of Life 

At this point I must point out not everyone goes through a crisis in midlife; however, the medical community would be remiss if we did not identify that this is a common pattern in the human life cycle. In his classic book "Falling Upwards", Richard Rohr states that there are two natural parts to the human life cycle: The First Half of Life and The Second Half of Life. In the first half - you find your identity - your significance in the world. You are in control, in charge, looking good, building your tower of success whether it is your physical beauty, social standing or making it to the top of Forbes 100.

However as Rohr puts it, one can get so brainwashed in the First Half of Life, a person starts to believe it is the only game in town. Money, cars, clothes, houses, sexual conquests, the next high, the next "deal" - these have a very seductive power over us! But the trick life pulls on us is that the first half of life cannot last forever. The aging process begins, our bodies can't do what it did in our 20's, frantic competition is exhausting, getting the "next thing" starts losing it's luster. The high we chase isn't doing it for us anymore. Then starts a vague sense of dissatisfaction within ourselves.

I am not discouraging people from ambition or buying the Maserati or getting Botox, only to realize this is OUTER, first half of life activity, which can become a letdown in midlife. In fact our choices utilized in the first half of life were very appropriate and useful in surviving and getting to where we need to be. The misstep is continuing to ONLY use these strategies in later life and expect them to keep working.

Handling Discontentment

Bluntly put, people can get sick, depressed, unfulfilled, addicted and even harm others when they stay stuck in the first half of life. What to do? Thousands of years ago our ancestors had rituals to guide these natural transitions of life: rites of passage for girls and boys to become women and men, and then older women and men to become the wise women and leading elders. We no longer have these rituals in modern society, so we need to seek out other guides: online resources, books, therapy, local clergy, trusted older adults.

Below is a thumbnail sketch I would start with:

1. Identify what specific behaviors are worsening your life situation. (ruthless competition, raging, overspending, affairs, workaholism, excessive drinking)
2. Are there underlying feelings that are driving these behaviors? (numbing ie. denial of feelings, perfectionism, caring for others at the expense of one's self, self-hatred, inadequacy, shame)
3. The next step is validating that the old coping behaviors (ex. ambition) may have been essential to surviving, even thriving, in the first half of life, but then accepting they may not be what you need - at this stage - all of the time. Like the old skin of a snake, it was protective for a long time, but now it is a dead outer shell that needs to be sloughed off.
4. Then work either with a therapist, an online support group, or a wise friend, to learn new strategies that may serve you BETTER in the second half of life: pacing one's self, taking care of yourself instead of acting like the martyr, wisdom, valuing your internal gifts vs your outer beauty, maturity, introspection, caring for others, learning balance, spirituality, compassion. These are but a few that can ease the transition from First to Second Half of Life.

Sarah McAllister

Practicing Psychiatrist in Fairfield County, Connecticut